(Pt 1) So since i was like 14/15 ive struggled with my sexuality, and in like december of 2016 i finally accepted that i love girls and that i think girls are hot/beautiful, and in January 2017 i came out online. It was almost five years of war with myself, at 18 years old, i finally accepted that im bi and im proud! But sometimes, especially lately, im afraid that im faking being bi. Ive never been one for romantic attraction, and up until about a year ago i never even wanted a relationship
(this is a long question so i’ve put it under the cut)
(Pt 2) and ive never been one for crushes either. When i was like 7 i had a crush on a boy (i think?), cause i was always wanting to be near him when he was around and i was always really awkward and and smiley with him, but i always denied it when my family brought it up. Then i didnt have any crushes after that until i was like 15/16 and i got a bad crush on this highschool dude who went to youth group on wednesdays and that crush lasted heavy for about 2 years.
(Pt 3) But since then i havent had any crushes. I’ll be 20 in three months, and my last crush ended a little after i turned 17, so ive not had a crush in almost 3 years. But then i got a job last year, kinda came out, and almost immediately developed a raging crush on a girl from work, and i could barely handle myself. She got fired 7 months later, but im still attracted to her. But in March a girl transferred to our restaurant from another franchise location, and ive slowly been falling for her
(Pt 4) And through these past few months, ive caught a serious crush on her. Like ive never felt this way over another human being ever and im more than pretty sure she really likes me too, but there are complicated details i wont go into. But to come back to what im here for; im afraid that im not actually bi. I tell myself that if i think im faking, odds are im not, but in my life so far i dont really see or meet any boys that i can actually realistically envision myself in a relationship with
(Pt 5) i cant see myself being happy with any faceless “perfect guy” for the rest of my life, but i can easily see myself in a loving and happy and natually easy relationship with an unknown girl. Even at my job ive seen 1 or 2 handsome guys come in to eat, but i just feel like “wow he’s really attractive” and im not like “omg hes so cute and im so attracted to him i can barely function” like i am with my girl crushes. And ive never been feminine so whenever i think of myself, “butch” plays in
(Pt 6) my head as an automatic phrase and i always correct myself, thinking “omg im a tomcat! Wow! Thats such a cute phrase! And the girly equivalent is doe! Thats adorable! I want a doe gf!” And because ive never heard someone use the phrase “useless bi” my brain says “useless lesbian” and i have to correct myself, and i say “clueless bi” (bc in all honesty, i am helpless). But bi just feels so much more right to me than lesbian, and im kinda put off by the idea of me being a lesbian
(Pt 7) And by that i dont mean i hate lesbians. Lesbians are wonderful and amazing, and every one that i meet ends up being one of my favorite people! But i just feel like that label doesnt suit me. It just doesnt feel like me. At the same time, im not really into boys atm, and am worried that im just using bi as a way to not have to worry abt people writing me off one way, and not have to hear people say “i knew you were a lesbian!!” (Because im sure my entire family expects me to be gay)
i feel like you’re in the same situation i was a little bit ago?
honestly there’s nothing wrong with having preferences. it’s 100% okay to be 99% attracted to girls and 1% towards guys. that doesn’t automatically make you a lesbian and you’re allowed to call yourself bisexual if you feel more comfortable with that label! and people are going to try to put you in boxes regardless of how you identify. i know lesbians who get told they’re really bisexual and bisexuals who get told they’re really just lesbians. there’s nothing you can do to stop people from doing that, as shitty as it is. the only thing you can do is be confident in yourself
and congrats on five years of being bi!!