Category: closeted

You’re not lying by needing to stay in the closet, no matter your reasons. Whether it’s safety, not…

You’re not lying by needing to stay in the closet, no matter your reasons. Whether it’s safety, not having fully accepted yourself yet, being questioning or unsure, internalised biphobia or any other reason, you never owe your identity to other people. If you need to tell people you’re straight or something else, for whatever reason, then that’s what you’ve got to do. There’s nothing wrong with it, and I promise you, no one worth your time will blame you for it.

I’m bi and I’m really nervous to tell my friends. My two best friends won’t care and will probably be happy I’m telling them something that personal but I have one friend that might be weird about it. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell anyone and others times it feels like I’m keeping a secret. If i decide to come out to them how should I do it?

I personally would do it the way you feel comfortable doing it, which is something I can’t tell you since I don’t know what you’d feel most comfortable with. My advice, take them to the side, say you have something you wanna talk about, just come out with it as simply as you can. And avoid saying “I think I’m bi”, because sometimes, when you show people you may have a seed of doubt (with the ‘I think’ they can use it against you. Be firm on who you are, and just say “I am bi.” Then perhaps, let them ask any questions they want to know to dispell their misconceptions about bi people. You can do it one at a time or all at once, depending on which you think would be best.

Also! You don’t have to tell the one who you think would be weird about it! You can just tell the people you’re comfortable with.

I’m 15 (almost 16) and I’m Bi but my parents are always talking about how kids in my school are “to young to know” and that stuff so obviously I find it hard to bring up the topic of sexuality with them so I literally have no clue if any of my family members are homophobic or not. Is there a way I can discreetly find out if there homophobic or not?

If you really want to know their stances on the LGBT+ community you can hope something comes up in your local news and try to find out what they think of the issue, but if you’re afraid your family are largely homophobic and you’re not willing to take that risk it’s perfectly okay to not come out until you have a solid understanding of their stances. It won’t mean you’re not bi and you’ll still be as valid as if you were out to them!

Hey! I’m a bit younger so I’m not dating yet (strict parents on it). I do know I’m bi, though, I’ve known for a while now. I can’t come out because my parents have never even discussed sexuality with me, and I’ve mainly learned about it through the internet. I want to find some way to release the feeling of being secretive, but my friends would probably be taken aback and confused. Any ideas on what to do for the time being, until I can date and come out? (Love the blog, by the way!)

Would ALL of your friends be taken aback and confused? Is there perhaps one you could talk to? Or perhaps you could bring up the topic of being bi, maybe educate them on what it is and dispell their questions, then say “Bi the way…” so that they won’t be taken aback and confused, because you’ve led them into the discussion. But of course some kids can be assholes so just be careful…if someone isn’t supportive, they’re not your friend. Best to tell someone you do trust.

You could always be loud and proud on your blog too if it helps, or keep a diary if it can be put somewhere that won’t be found, to release your thoughts and feelings. If you have any online friends you could always start there too with coming out, as it’s possibly less risky, since they can’t tell anyone else really.

I identify as “open” (i’m not used to the label bi yet) and I’m a minor. My parents are very regligious and homophobic, and every time I slowly mention things for the LGBTQ+ community or a gay character on TV, they say “oh, and you’re supporting that?” in a very mean and condescending tone. I love my parents and I want them to know, just in case I end up marrying someone of the opposite gender, but I just don’t think I can tell them.

(Yeah I like using “open” too sometimes, I used it a lot when I was younger.)

If you don’t feel like it’s safe or gonna end well if you come out to them, I’d say please don’t, at least not yet. It’s best to wait until you’re an adult and have some form of financial stability, or a backup plan like a friend who would allow you to live with them. If it’s safe too, you could try and gradually open their minds, like talk about “a gay friend I have” and break down their stereotypes…but that can take a long time and doesn’t always work. 

I’m sorry. Please hang on tight <3 and perhaps unload the pressure by coming out to a friend, in order to build a support network around you. And you can always vent here if you like too, my messages are open.

I am from Germany and I have always thought I was straight. I have been living in Australia for nearly a year now but I am going back in a week and in the last two months I realised I am bi. In my town in Germany I don’t know anyone who is gay (I am male btw) and I never even thought about being anything but straight. I had my first experience with a guy two weeks ago and I liked it. But now I don’t know how I am gonna tell all my friends in Germany…

First of all congratulations on figuring yourself out!

Second of all, it depends. Do you know their views on bi people? I’d see if you can kind of broach the topic and see what their views of bi people are first, to see if you’d be cool coming out to them. If positive, then go ahead! If you really want to be friends with people who don’t accept who you are? However, people’s minds can change once they meet someone who is bi. So if their reaction isn’t great and you’re feeling brave, you could tell them “Well, I’m bi, and these stereotypes/ideas you have about bi people are wrong.” Maybe they’ll change their mind. But if not, then don’t keep around friends who don’t accept you. It’s not worth it.

You don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to either. It’s entirely up to you as to when (or if) you come out. But my first advice is always to check if they’d be cool with bi people by broaching the topic. Perhaps mention that one of your friends in Austrailia was bi, or that you saw a bi person on tv, in order to bring up the topic naturally so it doesn’t feel forced. Good luck.

i live in a very religious house that doesn’t believe in any sexuality except relationships between a man and a woman. i feel as if i am pan but i have no way of exploring this in my current situation. any advice on self discovery and a way to get around my family?

I mean, unfortunately if you live in a household where it’s unsafe to come out, I had to have secret relationships (aka I never told them) instead, but sometimes partners aren’t always cool with that.

And like I said in the ask below, you can always try to gradually educate them, introduce them to LGBT+ friends, and slowly change their perspective…but it can take years.

As for self discovery, trying the label on, reading affirmations and positivity posts and following pan blogs, and getting involved in the online communities for pan people (and IRL communities if possible). Just exploring the communities and talking to other pan people might help.

me: *gathers the courage to come out to my parents via hattie braverman on parenthood* parenthood: *hattie emerges with girlfriend* parents: “oh yes because EVERYONE is bi now. you know, they’re only making her a lesbian to be progressive and diverse. that has nothing to do with who she is. it’s too random. i can’t believe this show hit the gay button.” me: *in my head* there is a F I R E

I’m so sorry….I know that feeling too well. It actually took my parents 4 years to come around to the idea I wasn’t straight, by which point my dad ended up guessing, my mam ignored it for a few more months then finally brought it up again. I just kept having to introduce them to my LGBT+ friends, keep bringing up the topic and educating them…it took a long time to change their minds.

If you’re brave you could say “well I hit the gay button”…no I’m sorry that’s terrible advice PLEASE DON’T

I hope you’re okay 🙁

To all the bi folks who can’t come out: I love you. You’re no less bi, you’re not decieving anyone…

To all the bi folks who can’t come out: I love you. You’re no less bi, you’re not decieving anyone and you deserve just as much love as those who can be loud and proud about it.

Hey! I need some help, I’m hispanic and bisexual… I’ve thought about coming out to my mom, but my gut is telling me not to. Not because she’s against it, but because of how culture is around here :/ I don’t want to keep hiding who I am, but the fear of being disowned or bullied keeps me back. I just don’t know what to do… HELP! (BTW I love your blog!)

I’m not entirely sure what the culture is like around there but if you’re afraid of being disowned or bullied, if you’re in an unsafe position, I think it’s best not to. Especially if you’re under 18 with no financial support away from your mother.

I know how hard it is to keep it a secret. But it is sometimes necessary. If it’s taking too much of a toll on you, perhaps tell some people you KNOW you can rely on and feel safe with, and vent to them how you’re feeling. Having a good support group really helps.

However, you can try and gage her views. Watch a television program which has a bi character perhaps, and ask her what she thinks about bi people. Or perhaps just ask how she feels about bi people, pretend a friend of yours came out to you. If she reacts with bad stereotypes, perhaps try and clear it up with a “Well, my friend is bi and they aren’t like that at all!”. If her reactions are positive, well, then you’ll know that you’re probably okay!